Is your partner controlling ? ‘Today’ relationships expert
Dr. Gail Saltz explains how to identify and get out of
this abusive situation
TODAY
If there 's someone in your life who drains, criticizes or
judges you to excess , chances are you're involved in a
"toxic " relationship . In this part of a three -day series,
we examine how to identify these harmful
relationships and free yourself from them . Here,
“Today” relationship contributor Gail Saltz shares her
advice for women dealing with a partner who is
controlling and emotionally abusive.
Unfortunately, many women find themselves in an
emotionally abusive or controlling relationship for quite
some time before they are able to figure out what is
happening. This is because the signs are very difficult
for the person being controlled to spot . The
manipulator will often choose someone who is
susceptible to being controlled and undermined due to
their own lack of confidence , dependent needs and
desire for someone who will appear to protect them ,
care for them , give approval and make them feel
needed.
Why and how do they do it ?
The controller’s purpose is to gain power and get what
they want by undermining their partner’s sense of who
they are , thereby getting them to constantly submit .
They use tactics such as:
Intimidation — Using implied or veiled threats about
withholding their love or leaving .
Guilt-tripping — Implying the partner is not caring enough
or is too self - centered . This works especially well with more
conscientious people .
Shaming — Putting down, insulting and using sarcasm to
make the other person feel inadequate. This way they stay
in power as the other person weakens.
Charm — A good controller is always seductive and knows
how to be flattering at times in order to reel in their partner
and bind her more tightly to him.
Turning the tables — They will claim that they in fact are
the victim and are being put upon , to deflect any blame or
confrontation and further induce guilt in their partner.
As you can see , these covert methods of undermining
a person’ s confidence and ability to see what is really
going on can be very effective . So effective that signs
you might see in yourself ( if you are the one being
controlled) are :
Who am I ? — A feeling that you don't really know who you
are anymore . You start to believe you are all these
shameful, terrible things or are becoming someone you
don't even recognize.
Chronic fear — For reasons you can 't quite name, you feel
afraid all the time. It is the fear that you are losing yourself
and that you are powerless.
Fantasies of escape — Whether they are thoughts of
fleeing the relationship or even thoughts that you or your
partner will die so you will be free, these kinds of
frightening thoughts will come to you.
Questioning reality — The controller is so busy changing
the reality of what he is doing by denying , lying ,
rationalizing and beating up on you that you really no
longer trust your sense of what' s really happening
anywhere and with everyone .
Isolation — Controllers work to isolate you from anyone
else in your life who may support you and make their work
more difficult . They may be intensely jealous and keep you
from both friends and family. Eventually you find yourself
isolated from everyone but him.
Lying — You will start lying to others in order to collude
with him that nothing is going on. You will defend him
despite your own panic and this will require distorting the
truth to anyone that asks.
This controller convinces you that you cannot live
without him, and because he has undermined your
confidence and feelings of self -worth , you believe it.
This is why many women can ' t seem to break free , or
leave but end up back in the relationship . When a
person first leaves the controller they have these
horrible feelings of not knowing who they are at all,
and this terror will make them return to being the
abused and submissive person who thinks they will at
least be taken care of and have some identity . The role
of victim and martyr can be a draw for some women,
particularly those who have carried around guilt of
their own for some past issue . Women who grew up in
a home where their father was controlling and abusive
to their mother will often repeat the same thing with a
partner and feel that, like their mother, somehow they
deserve it .
Is change possible ?
Some women think they can get their partner to
change , but in fact no one changes who doesn't want
to themselves. Unless he can see that his behavior is
destructive and he wants to get help for his problem ,
he will not change . He would need to address why he
feels so angrily powerless inside that he needs to push
you into submission to feel validated . Frankly , this is a
long shot at best .
The effects of such a relationship can undermine a
woman's self -esteem and her ability to be intimate and
trust. Lasting fears of being taken advantage of, being
hurt and being unable to give and take in a relationship
can take time to overcome . Similarly , there are lasting
effects on the children of such a couple . A child may
suffer lots of guilt, feeling that they should be able to
protect Mom yet also being very angry with and even
wanting to hurt Dad. They have trouble trusting a
relationship and fear losing control or being controlled.
They may be doomed to repeat either being a victim or
a perpetrator in the future .
In order to get out of such a relationship , the person
being controlled needs to gather supporters who will
help her feel safe and secure, and who will reinforce
her ability to take care of herself and know who she is
and what she wants. She will need a safe haven,
because when she leaves he may try very hard to get
her back by notching up the threats . Some people do
become truly violent in this circumstance , and the
woman should take seriously any threat made to her
or her loved ones. If such a threat is made she should
go to the police and seek a place to stay that the
partner will not find. Once a woman has decided to
end a controlling relationship, it is better to have a
clean break. Trying to go bit by bit will only result in
coercion from her partner and her inability to leave .
